Home Country: Windy spreads it

Slim Randles
Friday, May 24, 2019

“Dear ladies,” Alphones “Windy” Wilson told the garden club, “what an opera-tune moment this is, finding you all coagulated here in an effort to beatify the yards of our fair town. And what, you may ask, brings me to this conflagration? It’s the latest thing in gardening. Our chairman of the board refers to it as ‘cow pasture tea’ and it nutritionalizes plants right down to bedrock. As Dewey says, the only way to improve on cow manure is to liquidize it. Well, he hasn’t said it yet, but he will.

“Now what exactly is cow pasture tea you’re undoubtedly asking yourselves at this moment. It’s a varietal combination of composted cow manure, water, and some acid we put in there to matriculate it properly into the life-giving succulence we require. Then we put it in a drum and pull the drum behind a tractorlike conveyance that looks an awful lot like an old riding lawn mower. We spray this on your lawn, and in ninja-seconds, this liquor of life perambulates deep into the rootiness of the grass and makes it want to grow.”

He smiled at the group and noticed a lot of them were giggling in appreciation of his talk. He puffed up and continued.

“And what does the Dewey Decker Manure Combine charge for this incompartible service? A mere $10 for an average-sized lawn. Think about that, ladies. Ten dollars. Twenty fifty-cent pieces. Why you’d spend more than that on a wedding dress or a trip to the Bermudas!”

A number of the ladies clapped at that, thinking that might satisfy him, and it did.

He smiled and sat. He could get used to this corporate life. Maybe it wasn’t too late to climb the ladder to success.

( Slim Randles is a self-syndicated columnist.)

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