DEAR ABBY: Former nanny tires of keeping lesbian marriage under wraps

Monday, April 5, 2021

DEAR ABBY: I am an out-and-proud lesbian who recently celebrated 10 years as a couple and three years of marriage to my wife.

I worked as a professional nanny for many years, and I’m still extremely close to the first family I worked for.

Although we have known each other for years, they still ask me not to mention my marriage when I’m around their kids. They refer to my wife as my “roommate.” It’s all I can do to bite my tongue. I have ignored this for too long.

I recently invited them over to see my new home. Because of their conservative views, I warned them in advance about the wedding photos I have displayed. I’m not ashamed of my life. I am extremely proud of myself and my wife. I am hurt and offended by their requests. I feel they only accept certain parts of me.

I realize it’s unhealthy to continue this way, but I’m terrified of losing them. I’m usually a straightforward person. I feel open communication is important with everyone else in my life. But I have lost relationships before because, no matter how respectful I tried to be, honesty can sometimes be hard to hear.

How can I be honest without angering this couple, and what’s the best way to start this conversation? — OUTSPOKEN NANNY

DEAR NANNY: If your former employers think they can censor their children’s world to omit the fact that perfectly nice people, including one they love, are gay, they’re dreaming. Kids today are very worldly.

When the parents started calling your wife your roommate, you should have corrected them then and TOLD them it was offensive and hurtful.

Invite them to your home and leave your wedding photos displayed. Why you are terrified that your relationship with them will end because you’re living your authentic life mystifies me. If they can’t handle the truth, you and your wife are better off without them.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.