DEAR ABBY: Couple’s future is threatened by fiancee’s grief, depression

Thursday, April 15, 2021

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee and I have been together for four years. I have lost A LOT of people in my life, so I am used to death. She, on the other hand, didn’t experience it until two years ago, when she lost her grandfather. The next year, her mother passed, and last year we lost a child — her oldest — my stepson.

Abby, she is so lost. She’s no longer the same person she once was, and I totally understand that. I’m sad and depressed, too, but she’s bad.

I love this woman like I have never loved any other. I can’t picture life without her, but lately I have begun to wonder how it would affect me, her and the kids if I left. I’m not equipped to deal with someone else’s depression on top of my own. I have been trying, but I’m finding myself getting more and more angry. What should I do? — TORN IN THE EAST

DEAR TORN: You mentioned that you, too, suffer from depression. Are you receiving treatment for it? If you are seeing a psychologist (and being medicated), discuss this with the person who is working with you. You may need a change in your medication.

It isn’t surprising that with so much loss all at once in her life, your fiancee is grieving and depressed. Frankly, while I might suggest she join a support group for help in coping with the loss of her child, she may also need help from a licensed mental health professional. Although you are tempted, I don’t think now is the time to abandon your fiancee and her children. Once she is stabilized, you may not want to leave at all.

DEAR ABBY: I have two wonderful grandparents I love very much. They are the most important people in my life, and I always think about them when planning anything in my life because I want to make them happy.

The problem is I want to go to college out of state and pursue a career that isn’t possible in the city or state they live in. They want me to live with them in a city I can’t be happy in because of this.

How do I tell them I can’t see myself staying there for the rest of my life? I know they won’t be happy hearing it, but I don’t want to disappoint them or make them think I don’t love them anymore by leaving. Please help. I don’t know what to do or what path in life to take. — AT A CROSSROADS IN TEXAS

DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: You ARE at a crossroads. You’re standing in the intersection of adolescence and adulthood. You deserve the chance to fulfill your dreams, so it’s time for an adult conversation with your grandparents. Explain that you love them and don’t want to disappoint them, and outline what your plans are regarding your education and your career. While they may be disappointed, if they love you as much as you love them, they won’t stand in your way.

DEAR ABBY: I’m in a same-sex relationship with a woman I love and admire. But five months in, sex is becoming impossible because I think I’m heterosexual. Leaving this relationship scares me because I can’t imagine a life without her.

I told her I didn’t know if, for several reasons, sex would be a part of our relationship, but that I do love her. She doesn’t seem to mind at all. I’m not sure what to do. Please help. — LOVING IN LOUISIANA

DEAR LOVING: What you need to do is be honest with your partner. It is possible that you are bisexual and need to explore relationships with men before making up your mind about any permanent relationship. If sex is important to you, then the person you wind up with may not be this woman you love and admire, but someone else entirely.

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